What else is there?

It appears that I've been getting myself into the stickiest situations too often too soon in recent times. Maybe this chewing gum syndrome is as addictive as a chewing gum habit.

What's the best thing to do when everything happens to be transitory at this point in time? I am feeling a lot of apprehension towards leaving right now. I was at the airport yesterday, sending a friend off to Italy and just being in Terminal 1 reminded me of all the horrible goodbye forever feelings that overwhelmed me the last time i was there. Would the next time be any different? I'd like to think that I've got everything under control and eh-ok, but plans never turn out the way you want them to be, do they?

Streamside

It’s another Sunday morning and I feel like shit once more, after a crazy 5 nights-out in a row. I got up at 8.30am like a dedicated granny going to her morning Taichi class, but I’ve only arrived home at 5.30am this morning. This is on top of only sleeping 4 hours in the afternoon after zero sleep on Friday night. My body must be as screwed up as coke-snorting Lilo & her peers now. I need a break.

I’ve been terribly confused of late. I’ve been battling some contradictory feelings and thoughts, all while trying to be as nonchalant about it as possible. How is it that something could feel so right, when the whole situation is actually glaringly wrong? Worse, I’ve just realized that I can be a jealousy-monster (when I’ve already declared that I hate the green-eyed breed, oh no!), but I just don’t understand why because I really shouldn’t be. To be honest, I’m highly disturbed by this discovery and I’m afraid of this and so much more.

A beautiful day without you

I was walking home from work a couple of days ago and I saw this expat walking his two pet dogs. They were of the toy dog variety, thus rather adorable. Then, one dog started moving towards me & decided to start shitting on the grassy patch facing me. I couldn't help but break into a wide smile. Now I associate shitting dogs with J simply because he mentioned something or somebody was "shivering like a shitting dog". Haha.

On another note, this morning, as I was chatting to my mom in her room, I happened to notice a familiar looking object in her closet - I can't believe I found his Vietnamese communist red star tee in my dad's t-shirt rack. HAHA. Oh boy.

Summer Fog

I think I had alcohol poisoning over the weekend. My brother managed to get me when I just arrived home in the pouring rain, I remember his scoldings in my ear while I was bent over the table in the front yard, getting sick into a plastic bag. I managed to stumble into my room, wash up before passing out, but yesterday was truly the real hell for me.

I slept the entire day as staying upright was too much for me. I woke up at 11am and threw up some unidentified liquid. Even my piss smelt like vodka!? I naively concluded that I would be fine in a while, so I drank some water and went back to sleep. I woke up in a hour's time and felt sick again. Thereafter I found myself throwing up my stomach acid and possibly some bile which left a terrible aftertaste in my mouth. Next, I showered to feel make myself feel more human again. By then it was half past 1, and I thought I should have some lunch to settle my stomach. I dragged myself to the dining table and tried not to gag at the smell of fried tofu and fish, stir-fried vegetables. I stuck 2 chopstick bits of rice into my mouth and decided that I should lie down instead. My mother immediately tsk-tsked me and blamed our maniac mixing of alcohol on saturday night for my illness. I couldn't tell her that it was the extra bottle of Belvedere which I've ordered further in the night, that really killed my liver and other organs.

Anyhow, I returned to my room and fell asleep shivering under my duvet, when it was actually terribly warm outside. I woke up at 6pm and felt really hungry. I ate twice as much of the steamed rice as i had at lunch and as much fish as I could stomach before I felt sick. The taste of vegetables still made me gag, so I drank some orange juice for rid my mouth of the taste and went back to sleep after that. It was that intense. I felt better only this morning after yet another period of 12 hours fitful sleep. My kind parents gave me the morning off work, just in case. It still took me some effort today to concentrate at work, but otherwise I think I should be fine now. I'll definitely stay away from alcohol for a while now though, even if I didn't fall flat on my face or throw up on anyone.

While I was drifting in and out of consciousness and trying to reply my concerned friends' texts yesterday, he occupied most of my thoughts as I tried to will the sickness away. Sort of in the manner of how your life flashes past you at the moment before you die? It was weird and it reminded me of how I was alone, helpless and terribly sick with tonsillitis, bed ridden in my hazel farm dorm room. At least I had his concern for support then, while I only have a faded feeling of sadness now. Ironically, I hate how lousy I sound all the time on this blog, when I was genuinely happy on Friday and Saturday night with my friends. Maybe I should avoid getting myself into such unfortunate scenarios in the future, which are only too easy for me to fall into the whirlpool of unnecessary memories. But trust me, I've been trying.

Broken Arrow

I've been blue for a couple of days, which is actually unusual. A few hours earlier, I was sitting on my bed, hugging my knees after friend decided that staying home in your jammies will be the only activity tonight, when my eyes misted up again. It's been a while since the tear ducts acted up again, believe it or not. Then it hit me, I've been feeling incredibly lonely, despite having a healthy social calendar. I must have been staving it off with my binge-reading but I'm still glad for this mini-relevation. I suppose I'm one of those who enjoy both solitude and being in boisterous company, but I never deal well with loneliness. It creeps up on you stealthily, and wham! You're suddenly in the muddy trench by yourself, feeling as if the whole world has turned its back against you. This evening is one of those days. I've just realised that I didn't just lose a boyfriend, I've lost my best friend in the same person too.

Ah... This truly annoys me. I wish I had decent musical talents which would allow me to channel all my frustrations, misery, anguish, hopes & dreams into heartbreaking masterpieces of music, but all I'm doing is just plain ranting on this virtual site, sounding like a hormonal emo kiddo- which is neither profitable nor productive. Sigh. I apologise.

Falling from the sun

This moving on process is harder than I’ve expected. Especially when nights like this are somewhat difficult. I don’t know whether I should indulge myself in thinking about this person, or forcefully avoid all thoughts of him. I don’t know if I’ll heal or hurt by thinking, or by avoiding. As much as I want to be his friend again, to see him happy… As of now, I’ll probably feel sad if I were to see him together with another girl. I must admit that I really miss him, even more so, now that I don’t know what’s going on in his life anymore. I hope he is well.