It's week 23 now. I'm exhausted. It's like so near, and yet so far. I'm wondering if I would ever make it through. Everyone's telling me to look forward to summer, "oh it'd be awesome!" "hang in there..." "it's gonna be really soon" and I truly am, but I guess I'm always afraid of high expectations and being let down. I just want to have fun and spend time with faraway people who mean so much to me... No, I wasn't planning to go to paradise. Thanks for all the kind encouragement, but it doesn't really make me feel much better... (Especially when I simply can't seem to find any meaning in everything I do these days.)
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Some friends have lost &/or found new beloveds in these 23 weeks and I'm genuinely happy for them. All my friends deserve happiness. So here are my blessings. :) And for some reason, I felt the strange and sad feeling rather strongly today of not being able to share newly discovered cool places, little random bits & pieces of my life & all the quirky encounters which I'd love to talk about with J. I guess the minute details of our lives as well as spontaneous whims & fancies are not important for the situation we're in now. Precious are the few snatches of email exchanges, texts and occasional phone calls. That kind of reminds me more of an illicit love affair actually. Despite being caught in a drawn out period of non-stop activities, and being surrounded by old and new friends, loneliness can still break down all my defenses & find a way to creep into my life, and it hurts.
The weirdest part is that I don't think I've ever felt this kind of loneliness before. Not even when I was faraway from all my family & friends, without real friends yet (real friends i.e. those whom you didn't just make small talk with.) Someone please tell me if that's normal? Or maybe I'm just missing him too much. It sucks when you think - oh, he'll like this, oh, it'll be nice if we could visit this place & once you realise that it's physically impossible, it's like an instant rejection. Do it for 23 weeks and you might understand how bruised & battered I'm feeling by now. haha.
At least, when my friend says "see you soon" now, it's true. I can't wait. Somebody fast forward the clocks please?
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