acid rain

My head seems to be reflecting the entire mood of the gloomy wet weather we have been having this weekend. I keep getting into multiple thunderstorms of thoughts and memories.

It’s the worst on the Sundays, especially when I wake up in the morning and not see him next to me. I’ll try to stay in bed for as long as possible while mentally willing myself to feel his presence. Then 30minutes later, I jump out of bed to attend the yoga class at 11am.

I saw his text after lunch and I couldn’t decide whether to smile or cry.

Today’s plans to go to Hortpark got washed away by the rain, literally. So I’m at home now entertaining myself with the flood of memories. It’s been 10 weeks now and it still feels as fresh as frozen food.

19 December 2008 (Friday)

His alarm went off as usual, waking me up but he was already awake when I opened my eyes. He held me for a little while before getting dressed for work and kissed me goodbye. I didn’t cry. I went to the window to watch him catch the bus to the train station and the last image I saw of him, was of his side profile at the bus’s windows zooming past. He gave me a Christmas card the night before, it was meant to be read on the actual day, but I tore it open & read it anyway. After which I dried my eyes and started to pack up. I had a room to move out of.

24 December 2008 (Wednesday)

It was Christmas Eve in Paris and we just arrived in the French capital by Eurolines coach in the early morning. I felt horribly run down but wanted to have a decent Christmas Eve with my friends despite being travel-weary. We were visiting the strange French version of the Christmas market when I got his text. It said that he wasn’t able to see me off when I leave on 3 Jan.

We visited the Eiffel Tower at night, after a mediocre dinner and I recalled his advice about going up the stairs instead of taking the lift to enjoy the full experience. The stairs were closed by then, so we took the lift up. I was standing at the top of the tower, I should be feeling on top of world – the night view from the top was breathtaking. The city’s lights lit up Paris beautifully but I’ve never felt more miserable. Thereafter, I can add tearing on top of the Eiffel Tower in the list of embarrassing things which I’ve done.

1 January 2009 (Thursday)

Prague froze our asses off and I was feeling rather feverish and extremely cold as I went to bed. I came back exhilarated but exhausted from the 18hour bus journey & the NYE countdown party at their main square. I was knocked out immediately. At about 4am, my phone rang and I had to drag myself out of the comforting duvets to answer the phone. It was him. I only remember him wishing me a happy new year before he got cut off. I was glad to hear his voice but I went back to bed, sobbed a little in the darkness before I fell asleep.

3 January 2009 (Saturday)

The house was empty and quiet at 11am. Naomi and Joshua were fast asleep still, Rachel had gone to work, and Richard and Sharon were out running some errands. All this while I had been hoping that he lied to me in a bid to surprise me at the airport, but I knew it isn’t true. I hadn’t met him for 2 weeks and I didn’t know whether I would ever see him again. It was painfully heartbreaking. I packed my things for the last time, made myself some breakfast, and I lay in bed until they came back to fetch me to Heathrow. Recollections were on the loop function in my head.

I was feeling strangely numb when I boarded the plane; it’s as if I’ve squeezed every tear out of my system by now and all I feel is emptiness. I was carrying my clock back in the pizza takeaway box and somehow all the service staff I met joked with me about whether the box is a gift for them. Sweethearts, I appreciated their humour and managed a sheepish smile.

After a lonely journey back, I arrived home on 4 Jan and stepped into the welcoming arms of my mother. She made sure that I had all my limbs intact but I couldn’t feel my heart there anymore.